No. I mutter to myself as I press the snooze button on my alarm for the twelfth time. Another day in hell. I never understood why we were the ones who had to wake up early and why the elementary school kids were able to sleep late every day. But that’s beside the point. I lay in bed until it’s too late and I begin to get dressed for school. Do I really have to put on pants for these idiots? I quickly scarf down my excuse for a breakfast and I leave the house as school is starting.
I arrive to class late, not like a typical white girl coming 20 minutes late with Starbucks or Dunkin, but only a few minutes late slouching and heavy eyed. It’s not my fault I have a fucked up sleeping pattern. But I make my way into my seat in orchestra and try not to kill myself before the bell rings and i can leave this nightmare class. I used to enjoy playing the bass, i think, but I don’t want to be a musician when I’m older, god no. It’s not what I want to focus my time on. [Orchestra Teacher Name Drop] makes passive-aggressive comments to me now because I admitted to her that I don’t like playing the bass anymore. So much has happened and this was the final straw; I don’t care at all if I disappoint anybody anymore because I want to make myself happy no matter what anyone says. I’d rather learn the piano anyway.
I continue my day trying to make my way through large crowds in the narrow halls and past people that just forgot how to walk, to get to classes I really don’t care about. It’s not that I don’t care about my education, it’s just that I do fine without even trying so why bother anymore. I feel so discouraged by all the people that are better and smarter and “what’d you get on the midterm? Oh well that’s okay that’s a pretty good grade.. I got a 99 I am so mad!” Stop. Taking all AP classes was such a stupid mistake on my part this year. Not only is it too much work for me, but I can’t emphasize how much I hate AP students. You hear so many people talking about how “fake everyone here is at this school I hate it I hate drama” but these people are the fakest of them all. They are so pretentious and such kissasses it makes me want to throw up. They listen to everything a teacher tells them like it’s gospel and try to be so friendly. Teachers aren’t supposed to be your friend so stop trying. They act like they know everything but in reality they are probably the dumbest kids at the school because they know nothing about the real world. 100% Book Smart, 0% Street Smart. “I’m probably going to double major in biomedical engineering and physics” Really? Because you’re too stupid for any of that. The only thing you’ll be double majoring in is smoking weed and being an asshole. But it’s not just the students, teachers need to stop taking themselves so seriously. I don’t care how good their test grades are they need to stop acting like they are the best teacher in the galaxy.
The stress that stems from school is also a large factor in my melancholy. The idea of “you have to get perfect grades on everything or else you’ll never amount to anything in life” is constantly shoved down our throats. And 90% of us believe it. I understand that in this backwards society dominated by money you have to go to college and get a degree in something to actually have a nice job. But what if I don’t want to be extraordinary? Of course I have aspirations and of course I am going to college but why am I not allowed to want to have a normal job and just live happily ever after? Sorry I don’t want to be a space veterinarian on mars. “My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I’ve wasted my life in a job I hate, because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens,” (Daria). Every day [History Teacher Name Drop] tells us that “If you get this wrong you’re a fucking moron and you should jump out the window and if you don’t get a 4 or a 5 on the AP exam you will never go to a good school and you’ll be a checker at Waldbaum’s. sheep.” First of all that’s 1000% incorrect and why is so taboo that none of that fucking matters to me. I know what I’m good at and I know what I’m not. I am guaranteed to get into some college because I have the grades for it. Sorry I don’t care if I’m the valedictorian or not. I don’t care if I’m the prom king or not. And I don’t care if my name is in the newspaper or not. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to constantly live to impress. “But that looks good for college!” Yeah and so does everything else. As long as I’m not sitting on my ass doing nothing all day I’ll be okay.
It also doesn’t help that none of my friends even go here anymore. They all
have graduated. I don’t know why but I just don’t connect with anybody here. I
think it’s because I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t have the typical
high school mindset.
<angsty teenager voice> NOBODY GETS ME. </voice> I am friendly with many people,
you can see that, but I’m not too close with many in my actual age group.
When I get come home from school I’m always asked “how was school?” and my answer is “exactly the same as yesterday.” Then I go up into my room, collapse, and take a nap because I am so physically and emotionally drained.
The internet is the only thing that keeps me sane. And I’m not talking about that cesspool facebook, but my twitter and my ‘blog’ if thats what you even want to call it. It helps me unwind and makes me laugh and connect with the people who I care about.
Junior year has turned me incredibly bitter and I recognize that and so does
everybody else that has to listen to me bitch and moan on and off the internet.
I try to keep an open mind and to go to school with a positive attitude but it
just keeps getting shot down by the discouraging teachers and the shallow people
shoving past me in the hallway. That’s why I stopped trying. I bite my tongue,
show no emotion, and send tweets like
@dlnwgnr - Jan 16, 2013
Which is the nearest staircase i can throw myself down
@dlnwgnr - Jan 16, 2013
On the
verge of an emotional breakdown in the middle of class
not because I’m addicted or because I’m an attention whore, but because it’s
easier than saying it out loud.
“Maybe I do miss out on stuff, but this attitude is what works for me now,” (Daria).
But, that’s what it’s like, day-to-day, living my life as a teenage robot.
————————
One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I’ll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
Cause I feel like I’m the worst
So I always act like I’m the best
If you are not very careful
Your possessions will possess you
TV taught me how to feel
Now real life has no appeal
I know exactly what I want and who I want to be
I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine
I’m now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy
Oh no
Marina & The Diamonds - Oh No